Sorry + Venting

I haven't been around lately, because I've been going through yet another long phase of body image issues, mental/emotional and money problems.

I don't think it's getting any better, but it could be that I'm off my meds and just not doing anything. I have too much time on my hands, but not enough motivation or memory to try and do what I should or want to be doing.

So far, nothing I've wanted to do or really needed to do has been accomplished.

It's really difficult, I just wanted to finally be accepted by more than just one or two people... And want to stop the silent harassment, the staring, the fact that I can't even go into a public place without being laughed at by teenagers or avoided because I can't help the way I look. I'm trying so hard, but this depression (or bipolar disorder according to the knew Doc) is kicking me in the ass.

I just want to be beautiful to me and to many others too... I want to be able to look in the mirror and finally say that girl is beautiful inside and out. Instead of just on the inside. (But even that is taking potshots at, no one I've met seems to believe that I'm not a moody loner or loser or something.)

They can't get past the fat, and neither can I. But I can't starve myself because then I'll be doing even more harm.

I've dealt with it for a long time, trying not to cause drama by reacting badly, or reacting at all. Especially when I get shouted at while walking down the street at times or honked at by the same ignorant strangers who don't think that I am a person with feelings...

This is why I refuse to continue being what I am now, not just getting to a smaller dress size. I just hope that with all these changes to me, that I stop being me and being someone similar to these people I dislike the most...

- Cinderella